Open letter to my sons regarding the state of our bathroom

Dear sons,
I have just emerged from scrubbing the abomination you call a bathroom. I don't understand how some of you...no, several of you, keep missing the toilet. The bowl is a large, oval, open target. How difficult is it for you to direct your penises at the correct target when you pee? I'm a little perplexed at how pee-pee ends up in such a variety of unexpected and incorrect locations in the bathroom. What exactly are you doing in there? Perhaps we should review a few basic bathroom principles. When someone calls your name or otherwise interrupts you whilst you are using the bathroom, please do not turn your entire body, penis included, in the direction of the person talking. You can still answer while keeping your mind on the task at hand. No pun intended. Also, when you use the bathroom, please keep your body at a close distance to the toilet. If you are going #2, please remain seated on the toilet THE WHOLE TIME. As in, until you have completely finished. Isaiah, please refrain from slidddingggggggggg down from the toilet at the completion of your business, smearing all the way.
Additionally Isaiah, I would like you to know that Mommy LOVES your hand prints. I find them adorable. However, I much prefer them dipped in paint and printed on construction paper rather than dipped in poop and printed on the bathroom wall. Please do not let this happen again.
Boys, I would like our bathroom to be a pleasant place for all of us. Currently it is rather like a grizzly crime scene. I sincerely appreciate your attention to this matter and very much hope that we won't need to discuss this again.
Love,
Mom

Dear Sydney and Alexandria,
I am saving your bathroom letter for another day. But it is coming. It is coming.
Love,
Mom