Another Loss

Sorry for the delay in updated posts. Lots of things have been going on here. Many happy things, life around here is nearly always happy, even when it's chaotic and crazy, it's still usually happy. We still usually have happy kids walking around and happy babies smiling and playing and a basically happy Mommy and Daddy. And life here is happy, even when there is sadness. And right now, there is indeed some sadness.
At the end of October, we learned that we were once again pregnant, and then, just a couple of weeks ago, we found out that this pregnancy too, is ending in miscarriage.
There are so many emotions that this brings to the surface for us. We feel sad and confused and unsure about why this has happend twice in a row- we had ten children, with no problems prior to these losses. What has suddenly changed? Why is my body not carrying these babies the way is should? Is something wrong with me? With Albert? Is there something we can do to make it better next time? Is it just a chance happening, a freak coincidence? Is it totally random? We don't have the answers to any of these things.
I also feel great frustration. I am frustrated at my body, I am frustrated at the people who keep making stupid and hurtful comments such as "Maybe God is trying to tell you something." Really? By taking away our babies? I don't think God works that way, in fact, I'm quite sure He doesn't. Or even more annoying, "Well, at least you have ten children!" Yes, this is true, we are incredibly blessed and grateful that we have ten children. It doesn't make losing this pregnancy feel any better though. I don't think that people realize how insensitive this sounds. Our children aren't crayons in a box, where if the red one is missing you can just use pink. Our children are unique individuals. So having one, or three or ten of them doesn't mean that any are disposable. Each one is wanted, treasured and loved. They aren't a collection, they are singularly precious and what each of them means to us cannot be measured. So both of the pregnancies that we lost were very real souls, crafted by the Heavenly Father himself, each distinct and one of a kind. They cannot be replaced or reproduced. Having one or two or twelve other children does not in the least mitigate the loss of that one. However, having our ten other children does ease the pain of those losses in a very real way and does give us insight into how very fortunate and blessed we are.

Both Albert and I feel an incredible sense of gratitude. Going though these two losses has made us both keenly aware that we are in possession of the ten greatest blessings in the world. Coming home from seeing an empty gestational sac on an ultrasound where we should have seen a healthy, fluttering heartbeat is profoundly sad, but walking into a room full of little ones to hug and love and kiss is profoundly healing. Realizing all over again how fortunate we are to be able to wake up and parent these ten miracles has been so calming and nourishing to our spirits. The knowledge that even if there are no more babies in God's plan for us, we are totally fulfilled and full with our amazing family is like the best, softest most comforting band-aid in the world. It heals my hurt. I cannot even begin to imagine what miscarriage is like for a woman who has no other children. I can't fathom it.
I also feel fear. What if we try again? What if this happens again? This experience is in some ways, making me into the OB patient I don't want to be. Here's what I mean...I'm on Doxycyline now in case the miscarriages were caused by some type of minor bacterial infection...probably not, but just in case, even though it's unlikely, it doesn't hurt to just take the meds. If I ever get another positive test again, I will immediately go on Prometrium, and baby aspirin, again just in case the miscarriages were caused by low progesterone or a clotting factor. Again, probably not, but we are grabbing at everything, trying to treat for anything we can thing of that might boost our chances. All of the above has been at my own request. I cut out caffeine, and am weaning Mia from nursing. And should we get a positive test again, I won't rest comfortably, feeling happy to be pregnant. With the twins, I complained that I had to go to too many ultrasounds. With Bree and Mia I turned down ultrasounds that I felt were unnecessary. If we ever get a next time, I'm afraid I'll be that woman begging for ultrasounds at every appointment just to make sure the baby is really still there and doing okay. I don't want to be like that. But I will be.
In the end, I know that God's plan is better than my plan. I know that God has a purpose for everything that happens. And I trust Him. I don't know if there will be more babies. And oddly and stragely, even though I hope there will be, I'm totally okay if there aren't. I can see my blessings so clearly. They are beautiful and precious and perfect. They make my heart burst with happiness and joy and comfort. They make me so happy, even when I'm sad.