Looking Back

Recently, while I was talking on the phone with my mother, we discussed the differences between life now, and life four years ago. Four years ago, Brice was two (oh, the memories of Brice's terrible two's), our twins were one and Sydney was a brand new baby. Specifically, my mother and I talked about the way things were when I used to have to go somewhere by myself with our little ones...It would go something like this. I would first bring Brice out to the van, and strap him in his seatbelt. He was almost always first, because, well, I just couldn't trust him to not make major mischief if I left him in the house whilst I loaded the other littles. After securing Brice into his car seat, I would go back in the house for one of the twins and repeat the process. Then back in the house for the next twin. Then back in the house to grab the baby in her infant seat. Then, with all the kids buckled in their car seats, I'd make one last dash inside to grab my purse, diaper bag and whatever else we needed for that particular trip.
And when we returned home, it would be the same process in reverse to unload all the kids (this time, Brice was last, for the aforementioned reasons).
I remember often feeling exhausted at just the thought of having to go somewhere. Many times, nonessential appointments got rescheduled or just cancelled. Many times, we skipped out on playdates, day trips and whatever else just seemed too daunting or overwhelming at the time, or frankly, just plain not worth the time and effort to get out the door (getting ready for the day and preparing to get loaded into the van was a whole other ordeal back then). I'm sure people wondered I would just choose to stay home, all because getting ready and getting there was too much trouble. These people didn't parent Brice. No seriously, here was the reality...my kids didn't need playdates...they had each other. And they had plenty of each others. It was ME that needed the playdate, so I didn't feel all that guilty for skipping out on one (okay, several) when I just didn't feel up to it.
Fast forward to now...yes, we have more children, but we also have more older children, which translates into more help. Brice is six years old, and while still very much a handful, he is able to nagivate his way to the van and put on a seatbelt without causing too much chaos- usually. The twins, and even Sydney and Kambree can get themselves to the van and while they may need some assistance with buckeling up in their carseats, it's nothing like the ordeal it used to be. And while there are still compelling reasons in our house to reschedule or cancell appointments, we can usually make most playdates. Most, not all.
Sometimes, I regret that when I look back over the twins first two or three of life, that period of rapid exansion in our family, so much of it seems like a whirlwind. I have to consult my little ones' baby books to know how old Sydney was when she walked or what Bree's first word was. It was a really crazy, busy time in our household. I'm not saying I would change it...we had specific reasons for expanding oru family quickly the way that we did and given the same set of circumstances, we would most certainly make the same exact decision again. And our family is much richer and happier and blessed because of it. We also are entering a stage where we reap the benefits of those really tough few years. For example, as I type, I have four little ones (Isaiah, Alexandria, Sydney and Bree) all happily playing in the loft, keeping each other entertained, and being best friends (least anyone wonder, NO, it is NOT always like this, we have our fair share of fighting, screaming and arguing). It makes me happy to think about how close all our kids are. It makes me smile when I see them all lined up on the couch watching a movie, or all sitting at the table waiting for dinner. I remember days when I'd be in tears trying to get them all ready for a simple doctor's appointment, when I'd loose my patience when someone would spill a glass of juice on themselves just seconds after I had them ready to go, or the nights that bedtime couldn't get here soon enough (okay, so bedtiem still can't get here soon enough, espicially mine). While it's nice that those days have given way to still hectic and chaotic, but much more managable times, I cherish some of those memories, usually the ones involving mayhem and catastrophe, and know that they've shaped me as a person and a mother. I wouldn't trade them. I think we came out alright....