And Reality Sets In....

Is there really only three months left until our daughter is due? Where has our pregnancy gone? How is it possible that she'll be here, relatively soon?
To say I am not ready is an understatement. Well, I take that back. I am ready. I'm just not prepared. And I don't mean prepared in the "do we have enough outfits, blankets, towells and bouncy seats?" type of "prepared". That stuff always seems to take care of itself. When I say I feel un-prepared I mean in the more intangible aspects- things such as adding another little one into the mix with so many other still-little ones. Do I have enough time? Patience? Sanity? Between our new daughter and Bree, will I constantly have someone attached to my breast? Will I accidentally walk outside to check the mail....topless? Will I ever be able to help an older child with homework, without having to simultaneously bounce a baby or two on my lap, or asking the older child to please "Wait just a second, and I'll be able to help you." It's never really just a second.

Then again....I always do this to myself. Each and every time I have a child, I go into panic mode regarding how we'll make everything work. How we'll possibly manage with another baby. And every single time, it works itself out perfectly. Not that there aren't bumps in the road. There are. And not that it is an easy transition. Sometimes it is, other times its so ...not. But it always happens that one day we wake up and...well...we're doing it. We're doing fine with our expanded family. I expect that this one will be no different. Hoping for an easy, painless transition, but also trying to stay realistic and understand that it may not be. It may take a while. I may need lots of Zoloft for a several weeks. So might my husband. And that's okay.

It's humorous to me, how at the start of each pregnancy, the future seems so abstract. When I am looking at those two lines on the pregnancy test- it all seems very surreal, very not-in-the-moment. The baby is a distant concept in terms of him or her being an actual, real, family member. Honestly, in those early days, my thoughts are more preoccupied with what the new pregnancy could mean for Brandon and how I hope to goodness that this baby will complete our family. Now, as we move ever closer to April- my thoughts are becoming more centered on this baby as an individual, as a member of our family, as my daughter, for the rest of my life. And I am so excited and overjoyed....and scared by that. The task of raising ten children is overwhelming- not just in the physical sense but more in the moral, emotional, responsiblity-ish sense. I deal with this, by having one single goal (well, it could probably be broken down into several goals, but calling it "one" makes me feel better anyways). My singular goal in raising my children is to help them grow into Happy, Healthy, Well-adjusted men and women who have a relationship with Jesus Christ and with each other and are assets to the community and world around them. That's pretty much it. That's all. I'm simply not up to anything loftier. Sure, it'd be great if they were also wealthy, graduate from the top colleges at the top of their class, and aspire to prestigious careers, fancy cars, huge homes and magnificent vacations. All of the above would be fabulous. But...I'll be happy with just the things on my list. I'll take happy and healthy and followers of Christ. And if I accomplish my goals, then I'll feel like we did a good job with them. Fortunately, the simplicity of my goals leaves lots of room for parental error...and offspring error. I guess that's the beauty of simplicity.

My post is going all over the place, so I'll wrap it up. I am so excited/scared/joyful/worried/eager at the prospect of our new baby girl making her arrival sooner rather than later. I know we'll make the transition from 9 to 10 successfully. Perhaps easily, perhaps not. I know that having her is a major plus for our family, indeed, a very good thing. I hope we raise her, and her nine siblings well. I hope they are happy people in life. I hope they know how happy they make me.