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Stalked by the Stork...a diary of raising twelve kids

Having twelve children is an amazing blessing and one heck of a crazy ride. Join us through all the joys, smiles, tribulations and trials as we navigate this fabulous journey!

Friday, August 6, 2010

He Asked Again

Brandon asked again. He asked me if we were still going to try to get his match. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there, stumbling over words. Because I'm not sure what the right answer is to that question. I'm not even 100% sure what the real answer is to that question. So, lacking both a right answer and a real answer...I began fumbling for words. Words to make him feel reassured. Words to maybe ease my own sense of guilt. Words to sounds reasonable, or confident or even certain. In the end, I just sounded confused. I told him that I don't know if we'll have any more babies because I don't think he still needs a match. I don't think he'll ever have to face his illness again, or relapse, and thus will never need the transplant we've spent five years worrying about. I told him I've pretty certain he's better for good now. And will stay that way.
He didn't look like he was buying it completely. He looked hopeful, but not convinced.

What I DIDN'T tell him is that we're drowning in a sea of many things- debt, expenses, diapers, chaos...the list could go on and on. I DIDN'T remind him that his Dad, as of Monday, will be working from 7:00a.m until midnight,five days a week, at two jobs so that we can pay our bills. I DIDN'T tell him that my body is so exhausted and so run down. I DIDN'T tell him those things because in the end, they wouldn't matter. They don't matter. If we thought for a second that he NEEDED that match, none of those things would matter for a second. But since we have such good reason to believe that this remission is going to stick...those things can start to come into play again. And for all those reasons plus some, we think that ten is a good number of kids for us, and we're not eager to have any more. At least for now. I can't close the door 100% on the possibility of NOT trying again for his match because...well...I can't predict the future.

I wonder about the effect of our conversation on him. Of course my big worry is that he thinks we've just given up...that life with so many babies is just too hard and it's no longer worth it to us to continue. I worry that he thinks I've broken my promise. Those thoughts kill me...both of us, and have caused a lot of missed sleep.
In my wildest dreams, I HOPE that he finds the fact that we don't feel the need to have any more children comforting. That it just reassures him that he really IS all better. Because surely he knows that if we didn't think it were so, we wouldn't be stopping. In my deepest fears, I am afraid that he feels scared that we've stopped, with no match for him. I'm afraid that he feels his security is in danger.

He asked me a weird question. He wanted to know that since Mia is also without a match, does that mean she is going to get sick too? How, or why he relates not having a match to being more likely to get sick makes me fear he thinks about these things more deeply than we'd like to believe...though I'd be lying if I said that thought hadn't crossed our minds too.

So, our conversation ended with me telling him that he is perfectly healthy. That Mia is perfectly healthy and that I had no fears that either he would relapse or that his sister would ever get sick with anything major. And that if that should for some reason change, of course we'd still get his match. It felt very much like leaving him in limbo. Trusting God is hard. I want guarantees. I want to deal in the definite. Not in the probably, the most likely or the hopefully. Most of all, I want Brandon to feel reassured. Comfortable. Peaceful. And safe.

8 comments:

Charlotte said...

Is it no possible to find match out in your family? A matching donnor in a bank?

Many children ( i know +/- 50%) recover spontaneously.
Perhaps this will be for him.

I pray for Brandon stay Healthy and nnever need donnor.

And if it's no matching with 10 children it's for a reason but you don't know why at this point. Maybe because he don't need.

Say at your little boy that very soon i'm going to hospital and I am going to register as donor of marrow. If more people do that, more people will be alive ( i lost a close friend with a leukemia)

Don't worry with my question but is in my mind. Had you thinking embryo selection?

God can't make all job alone, medecine can and god create medecine, it's my idea, just mine.


Your 6 boys and 4 girls are so precious and cute and on the good way.

Courage

Anonymous said...

I am James McDermott. My wife Cindy and I have been blessed by God with 13 children. We also homeschool and above all, we are Christians. We recently started a website called Christian family meeting place (www.christianfamilymeetingplace.com). Many who hold our views are isolated and are looking for online fellowship, personal fellowship, churches, and even spouses. I am inviting you to register. It is free. If you're not interested, that is perfectly fine. May God bless you in all you do for Him. - In the Vine, Jim for Cindy and the rest
P.S. We also publish SALT Magazine. If you would like to check us out go to www.saltmagazine.com

Anonymous said...

Greetings,
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- In the Vine, Jim & Cindy

debi9kids said...

Ang, Trust yourself and your words and continue to believe that Brandon is heading toward a life without hospital visits.
If need be, sit Brandon down and reassure him, without doubt, that you believe he is well.
(((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

Whatever the Lord allows to happen in your life, He'll get you through! Praying!
Psalms 91:9-12 Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Anonymous said...

Continuing to pray!
Psalms 91:14-15 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Kendra said...

Brandon is such a strong kid! I can only hope that one day I'll understand what he does!

You can't beat yourself up over his worry. (Easier said than done, I know).

I will pray this remission sticks!

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