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Stalked by the Stork...a diary of raising twelve kids

Having twelve children is an amazing blessing and one heck of a crazy ride. Join us through all the joys, smiles, tribulations and trials as we navigate this fabulous journey!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Little Bit Sad...

In less than a month, my sweet Miss Mia will be a year old. A YEAR OLD! I don't understand where the time has gone. I remember so well holding her freshly born little body against my chest in the delivery room, I remember all those tiny pink and purple newborn outfits I had bought and hung up in my closet waiting for her to wear them...and then, I was so delighted as she wore each of them, and filled up memory cards with picture after picture. She might actually be the most documented baby in Fontenot Family history...okay so part of this might be because Albert had bought me a brand new Cannon Rebel right before she was born...
I have loved every single second of this year with her. I am such a different mom now, at thirty-four, than I was at nineteen. I often joke about the fact that our younger children have really gotten a far better mother in so many ways, than what our older couple of kids got. I was so young back then...and now I am so much more confident and knowledgeable and so much less likely to be influenced by what I read, or what I hear other people say. I feel so much freer now to raise my babies MY way and I think that turns out to be far better for them than if I just went along parenting them unintentionally and haphazardly.
But I digress...
Mia will be one soon and our first year together will be over. My baby will be gone and I'll have a toddler. In some ways, that prospect is a lot of fun. Albert and I both long for the day when we don't have to lug a diaper bag around everywhere, when we don't have six car seats in our van, when we can stop buying diapers...and Mia's one year milestone just brings us that much closer to those things. And I am so excited to see how she will grow, to find out what she'll look like at 18 months, at three, in kindergarten. But part of me also wants to slow down time, and just keep her as an infant a while longer. I love her teeny tiny hands and feet. Her complete reliance and trust in me. Her sleepy smile in the morning. The way she cries for me when I walk into the room if someone else is holding her. I don't want that to change, I don't want to give that up.
Mia is probably our last baby. In some ways, I absolutely love saying that. We're done!!!! In other ways, I'm not so sure. It feels a bit sad, and empty. Don't ask me how I feel both ways at once, I can't explain it, but I do. For example, I'm looking so forward to going into this summer NOT PREGNANT. It feels so good, physically and mentally. My body is not working double time, my hormones are under control, I have things to wear that actually button and zip, I don't feel like I will die without a nap, I am through with the sleep deprivation stage, all my babies sleep through the night. Yet when I pass newborn clothes at Babies-R-Us, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a twinge. I don't know if that twinge means I really want another baby one day...but I'm not a hundred percent certain it means I don't.
Albert, on the other hand, is pretty close to 100 per cent certain. He hears the call of a private beach somewhere with just the two of us and knows full well that dreams like these can never be a reality as long as I have a nursling...or two.

And so all of this makes Mia just a little extra bittersweet for me. She's my last baby. And I am in no hurry to let any of her stages, phases or milestones hurry by. I want them to linger...and linger some more. As babies go, she has been fairly needy and requires a lot of time and attention. And I loved it. Even the parts that I normally wouldn't have been so excited about. I gladly woke up with her as much or as little as she needed as a newborn. When she wanted to sleep in her swing, she slept in the swing. When she wanted to co sleep, we co slept and when she wanted to sleep in her crib, we transitioned her there. These are things I can't say of my first couple babies, whom I raised in different ways...ways that work fine for some, but not for me. With my last few little ones, I've finally found my way of doing things, which surprise, surprise has simply been to do what baby needs me to do. So maybe that's the part that is hard for me to let go of...but I digress again.

Next month, I won't have a little baby, or one on the way, for the first time in a long time. And I'm so happy about that and a little bit sad about that all at the same time. My sweet Mia is such a joy and an honor and a blessing to take care of and it is such a privilege that God picked me, to be her mom. I don't want to miss a second of anything that's to come...with her or her amazingly precious nine siblings. I am blessed to have exactly what I grew up wanting in life. Exactly. I know I can't freeze time, and I wouldn't if I could, because if I did, I'd miss out on what's in store for tomorrow. But I don't mind if she takes her time growing up. It's okay if she wants to go slow...I'll wait.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your baby's going to be a year old...in July my baby's going to be 21. There is just no way that my brain can even begin to comprehend that!
Christ went through all this for us, that we might have hope! Praying!
Isaiah 53:7-10: He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth. He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken. And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth. Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Anonymous said...

Christ suffered in our place that we might have the hope of Heaven! Always praying!
Isaiah 53:11-12 He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities. Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Jules said...

Oh my goodness you have a gorgeous family! Those are some seriously beautiful children you have there! I love finding families like yours out there...my extended family seems to think we keep making "mistakes" by having more kids, and that we are certainly crazy. It's so hard to get them to understand why we have what we have and why it is such a joy. Thanks for sharing and I hope to get to know you better! Where do you post on JM?

Anonymous said...

Always here praying!
Hebrews 13:20-21 Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Angela & Albert Fontenot said...

Jules,
mostly on the April 2010 playroom. And occassionally in other places like the VBAC board, once in a while in Baby names. I lurk there quite a bit and sort of post in spurts. When I'm pregnant I post more frequently but when I'm not I just mostly lurk and post here and there. What about you?

debi9kids said...

You're not crazy and it's totally possible to feel happy and sad at the same time. Trust me.

Jules said...

Well, lets see, I also like to lurk in Baby Names, but more or less right now I am in the Aug ddc and I still post every now and again in TTCAL. I love that forum...there are some amazing women in there. I have had four losses in a row trying to get this little girl here. I was due in April last year, but lost it and then again April of this year but lost that one too. April just isn't my month I guess!

Anonymous said...

Stopping by to let you know I'm still praying!
Psalms 55:16-18 As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice. He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me: for there were many with me.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Debbie Moore said...

You got me a little weepy Ang. I am feeling a LOT of this too.

Anonymous said...

Praying!
Psalms 69:13 But as for me, my prayer is unto thee, O LORD, in an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation.
Prayer Bears
My email address

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