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Stalked by the Stork...a diary of raising twelve kids

Having twelve children is an amazing blessing and one heck of a crazy ride. Join us through all the joys, smiles, tribulations and trials as we navigate this fabulous journey!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Another Loss

Sorry for the delay in updated posts. Lots of things have been going on here. Many happy things, life around here is nearly always happy, even when it's chaotic and crazy, it's still usually happy. We still usually have happy kids walking around and happy babies smiling and playing and a basically happy Mommy and Daddy. And life here is happy, even when there is sadness. And right now, there is indeed some sadness.
At the end of October, we learned that we were once again pregnant, and then, just a couple of weeks ago, we found out that this pregnancy too, is ending in miscarriage.
There are so many emotions that this brings to the surface for us. We feel sad and confused and unsure about why this has happend twice in a row- we had ten children, with no problems prior to these losses. What has suddenly changed? Why is my body not carrying these babies the way is should? Is something wrong with me? With Albert? Is there something we can do to make it better next time? Is it just a chance happening, a freak coincidence? Is it totally random? We don't have the answers to any of these things.
I also feel great frustration. I am frustrated at my body, I am frustrated at the people who keep making stupid and hurtful comments such as "Maybe God is trying to tell you something." Really? By taking away our babies? I don't think God works that way, in fact, I'm quite sure He doesn't. Or even more annoying, "Well, at least you have ten children!" Yes, this is true, we are incredibly blessed and grateful that we have ten children. It doesn't make losing this pregnancy feel any better though. I don't think that people realize how insensitive this sounds. Our children aren't crayons in a box, where if the red one is missing you can just use pink. Our children are unique individuals. So having one, or three or ten of them doesn't mean that any are disposable. Each one is wanted, treasured and loved. They aren't a collection, they are singularly precious and what each of them means to us cannot be measured. So both of the pregnancies that we lost were very real souls, crafted by the Heavenly Father himself, each distinct and one of a kind. They cannot be replaced or reproduced. Having one or two or twelve other children does not in the least mitigate the loss of that one. However, having our ten other children does ease the pain of those losses in a very real way and does give us insight into how very fortunate and blessed we are.

Both Albert and I feel an incredible sense of gratitude. Going though these two losses has made us both keenly aware that we are in possession of the ten greatest blessings in the world. Coming home from seeing an empty gestational sac on an ultrasound where we should have seen a healthy, fluttering heartbeat is profoundly sad, but walking into a room full of little ones to hug and love and kiss is profoundly healing. Realizing all over again how fortunate we are to be able to wake up and parent these ten miracles has been so calming and nourishing to our spirits. The knowledge that even if there are no more babies in God's plan for us, we are totally fulfilled and full with our amazing family is like the best, softest most comforting band-aid in the world. It heals my hurt. I cannot even begin to imagine what miscarriage is like for a woman who has no other children. I can't fathom it.
I also feel fear. What if we try again? What if this happens again? This experience is in some ways, making me into the OB patient I don't want to be. Here's what I mean...I'm on Doxycyline now in case the miscarriages were caused by some type of minor bacterial infection...probably not, but just in case, even though it's unlikely, it doesn't hurt to just take the meds. If I ever get another positive test again, I will immediately go on Prometrium, and baby aspirin, again just in case the miscarriages were caused by low progesterone or a clotting factor. Again, probably not, but we are grabbing at everything, trying to treat for anything we can thing of that might boost our chances. All of the above has been at my own request. I cut out caffeine, and am weaning Mia from nursing. And should we get a positive test again, I won't rest comfortably, feeling happy to be pregnant. With the twins, I complained that I had to go to too many ultrasounds. With Bree and Mia I turned down ultrasounds that I felt were unnecessary. If we ever get a next time, I'm afraid I'll be that woman begging for ultrasounds at every appointment just to make sure the baby is really still there and doing okay. I don't want to be like that. But I will be.
In the end, I know that God's plan is better than my plan. I know that God has a purpose for everything that happens. And I trust Him. I don't know if there will be more babies. And oddly and stragely, even though I hope there will be, I'm totally okay if there aren't. I can see my blessings so clearly. They are beautiful and precious and perfect. They make my heart burst with happiness and joy and comfort. They make me so happy, even when I'm sad.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

Am sitting here in tears! Can't even put into words how sorry I am! Yes, people say horrible things and they don't understand how much it hurts! My daughter lost her second baby at 8 weeks. I thought losing my own was hard. This was so much harder! She's pg again already but there could be some problems. PLEASE know that I'm always here if you need me! I miss my James every day of the week! I miss Hannah's Alexander every day of the week!
Know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! Look to the Lord for all things!
Hebrews 12:1-2 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Jules said...

Wow, we have so much in common my friend! I don't know how much you followed me on JM, but after nine perfect healthy pregnancies, we lost four in a row trying to get this last kiddo here, even a little boy at 13 weeks. It was devastating, heartbreaking and so hard to come to terms with. Every word you wrote echoed my own in the past two years. My sweet baby Brynlee has been an angel to us in troubled times....she came and she healed all of us. Hang in there, don't give up and I will be praying for that rainbow baby for you!

Angela & Albert Fontenot said...

Lynn and Jules,
Thank you both so much for your words, they help so much. Really, they do. We are trusting God that if He has any more babies in store for us (and I hope that He does) that He will get them here safely...Lynn, I am praying that your new grandbaby will arrive safely. And I think of your James often...
Jules, so happy that Brynlee has arrived and healed your pain. Four losses in a row is unimaginable. You have so much courage to keep going.
Thank you both again. Miscarriage stinks. God is good though, and we know that He is in control.

Dianne said...

I hope my comment is not an intrusion, I don't normally comment on blogs, but after reading this post I felt I needed or wanted to leave a comment. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, with facination, sadness, interest, all sorts of emotions and out of nowhere on Sunday I started thinking about your blog/family and it reminded me of the book my sister's keeper. At the time I had my personal opinion on the situation only being a story. Then on Sunday thinking of your blog and the story, once it becomes a living family it is a totaly different thing & my thoughts on the book and the parents and younger sister did an about turn. By reading your blog you have become a person I know so to speak.
Then earlier today this post came in my feeds and I read it with tears in my eyes. I can understand exactly how you feel. People have no right to judge, make comments or have opinions on another person's life or what they are going through unless they have been through the same and even then each person deals with things differently. I have also dealt with ongoing insensitive people. My son died tragically at the age of 17 and I cannot tell you how many people have said at least you have another child or you lucky you have another child. where is the luck in your child dying no matter the age or circumstances. There is no luck or at least in a child's death. Where does having 1 child two children or ten children take away the pain of one child dying. I even had a women tell me today that not to make light of what I am going through, but a friend of hers' son had an accident and is now a quadriplegic. I would do anything, give up everything if my child could be alive even if it meant he was a quadriplegic, because where there is life there is hope.
I really feel for you and what you are going through and for the death of your unborn babies. I admire and respect how you seem to handle their death. (going by what you said in your post) I do not have the same belief as you about what life as dealt me, but respect yours. With much love and hugs from a stranger

The Collins Family said...

Big hugs Ang - this post is so well written, I can almost feel your emotions as I read through the tears in my eyes. I'm praying for comfort and wisdom for you, Albert, and your doctors. (and for a dose of sensitivity for the idiots in your life too).

LittleBlessingsFarm said...

So sorry for your lose we too have a big family and have had 2 m/c it is very hurtful the comment we heard after our last one. I have since carried 2 babies and am 9 month pregnant now after we were told I might not be able carry anymore. We will be praying you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Angela! It's actually up in the air whether or not Hannah's pg. She's going in on the 14th to find out for sure. And I mean it! You ever need to talk just give a holler! Am always here for you!
Am here praying!
Psalms 27:1, 4-5 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?...One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Angela & Albert Fontenot said...

Diane,
I am so sorry to hear about your son. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful workds, I appreciate them tremendously. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Whether or not a miserable sinner like me is praying for you isn't that big a deal. That's why these verses are so special to me and why I end up sharing them quite often. What an amazing blessing and comfort to know that the Holy Spirit Himself is praying for YOU!
Romans 8:26-28 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Angela & Albert Fontenot said...

Lynn,
I love that you pray for me. I really beleive that you have a powerful connection to God and that it helped Brandon get better. We love you. You occupy something pretty close to saint status in our house! Thank you for always praying for us!

Anonymous said...

Oh Angela, I'm so far from being a saint...it's just such a blessing to be able to pray for you and your family. Heart still aching for you!
Know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers!
Psalms 27:7-9 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me. When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek. Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Natalie said...

my heart breaks for you two :(
I've been reading your blog for a while and adore your family !

Of course as a couple who longs to allow the Lord to control our wombs it makes a miscarriage heartbreaking, but what joy to know you will be reunited with your babies in heaven someday

We too encounter these hurtful comments as we have 6 children and when each news of a new baby brings unwanted comments I retreat to the Lord, my husband and children who are always such a blessing and joy. To want another baby is a very Godly desire, never let anyone make you feel bad because of that.

I'm praying for the lord to bless your womb again if he sees fit and that your hearts be wrapped in his love as you grieve. May you have peace with Him

Psalm 127:3

Anonymous said...

Know that I'm praying!
Psalms 27:13-14: I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Anonymous said...

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