Stalked by the Stork...a diary of raising twelve kids

Having twelve children is an amazing blessing and one heck of a crazy ride. Join us through all the joys, smiles, tribulations and trials as we navigate this fabulous journey!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Excerpts From My Birth Plan

Alright, so this week I turned in my "Birth Requests" to my midwife and 2 OB's. I don't like to call it a "Birth Plan" as doing so will practically guarentee that something will indeed go wrong and necessitate a surgical delivery and cancel out every one of my requests. I won't bore you with the whole thing, but I thought I'd include some little clips and snippets. And oh yes, I turned in in just as I've written here...word for word. In other news, Brandon is sick. Strep again. Spent the whole afternoon at the hospital. He feels miserable but is now on meds so should be well again soon.
Okay, here we go. The ... indicate places where I have skipped over the boring parts and just gotten to the good stuff.

Dear Dr. G, Dr T and Tammy,
Here are the issues I am concerned about during labor/delivery. I would like it very much if you could please write instructions regarding these matters in my chart so that I will not have to argue with the hospital staff whilst trying to birth a baby...

* I do not wish to wear the hospital gown. My behind is far too large by the end of pregnancy and the gown always ends up wadded up underneith me... I plan to wear a sports bra. At my last birth, the nurse was very uncooperative and acted as though I'd requested to give birth wearing a scuba suit.

*If I am induced with pictocin I would like it shut off once adequate contractions have been established. Furthermore, I don't want it turned back on to facilitate delivery of the placenta which I beleive will come when it is ready. Obviously, if I am bleeding to death, (or even a little too much) please disregard this request and crank it up.

*I do not want to push in stirrups. In fact, I really hate stirrups. They make me feel like a frog about to be dissected. I would also like to request that the bottom half of my bed not be pulled out from under me just before I deliver...

*Please ignore the fact that I will probably disobey the hospital's photography policies. I feel that my vagina belongs to me and that I should be able to photograph or videotape what comes out of it whenever I want. I will certainally respect the right of hospital staff not to be photographed or videotaped.

Here are some excerpts from the section entitled "IN THE EVENT OF A C- SECTION"

*I do not want my arms restrained. I find this quite traumatizing and feel like a prisoner about to get a lethal injection.

*...I don't want the screen in my face. I can't see my baby be born through the screen. Clearly, this is one of the points of the screen but I don't like it. Between the spinal anesthesiaand the screen, I felt very disconnected from my last c-section birth and don't want that to happen again. Obviously, I can't do without the anesthesia, but I can do without the screen. If this is not possible, I'd be happy to settle for a mirror so I can see the deliver.

*Please do not give me Morphine following surgery or I will scratch off my face.

...Thank you so much if you are still reading this. Again, I assure all of you that I will not be uncooperative during birth, as it is NOT my goal to get kicked out of the practice....


I wish I could have seen the look on the OB's faces when they read this. Now watch, next month I'll be looking for a new provider after I get kicked out of the practice I belong to. The pediatrician will love the parts I wrote for her which I didn't include here basically because they lacked any humor. It pretty much states that I don't want the baby seperated from all. No bath in the nursery. No pediatrician exams in the nursery. No stupid rules about waking baby up to feed him after 4 hours. Yes it seems rather harsh but I have reasons.
I don't want the nursery to bathe the baby because then they like to tell you that they have to keep the baby there under the warmer for a while to let his temp rise again after having bathed him. After an hour or so passes and I again request my child I get the old "well, his temp still isn't up to where it should be yet, so we'll have to keep him a little bit longer." I've waited up to four hours before for some of my babies temps to come back up. So now here's the deal. No bath in the nursery equals no reason to wait on his temp to "come back up" After a vaginal delivery there really isn't much for the mom to recover from so I'll have no problem bathing him myself in my room and placing him skin to skin against my chest to help his temp return to normal. Seems much easier nd nicer for everyone doesn't it?
As far as the pediatrician exams go I look at it this way. Every single visit my baby has with his pediatrician,I will be there for..I'll be the one taking him to the office. Why would I not want to be there for perhaps the most important one? Why would I lay in my hospital bed while they are examining him and making findings regarding his health? I'm not sick...I feel perfect after vaginal deliveries so why should I not be there? It doesn't make sense.
As far as the feeding issue goes. I have successfully fed 8 infants from newborn up without starving a single one of them. Why in the world would I discount my own innate knowledge regarding when my baby needs to eat on the word of a nursery nurse who I'll never see again?
I don't wake newborns to eat when they are sleeping (except the twins who were preterm and had a different set of circumstances). I never have and have never had feeding problems. Thus, I will not be made to follow the nursery guidelines just because. The best way to do that??? Keep the baby with me and out of the nursery.
Don't even get me started on the things I posted in here from my "birth requests" just sufice it to say that I will not be on the hospital's assembly line of birth anymore. I feel that we have a serious maternity care crisis in our hospitals now a days and we need to start looking at the way the rest of the world births and follow some of thier examples. For all of our technology and resources and high tech labor/delivery equiptment...the United States lags far behind in both infant mortality and maternal mortality as compared to other countries who use predominately midwives to attend birth, have more homebirths and far lower c-section rates. It's a topic I could go on an on about but I'll stop here. I will say however that I am very dissatisfied with the practices and policies of labor and delivery in our country today and that is a big part of the reason why I want to become (eventually) a midwife. I hope one day to give women better choices than the ones I currently have here in the birth-unfriendly state of IL.
But I do love my midwife. She is great. So are both of the OB's. The hospital's policies stink.


Bre said...

I absolutely LOVE your birth plan!! :o) And I wish I could see your doctor's face as she read!

The Romero-Schroeder said...

OMG, me too i want to be there for him to read it!!!! LMAO.... sorry i know it is not intended for laughs

Christy said...

Have I ever told you how much I LOVE reading your stories?? You put everything in such a way that makes me smile or LOL every time! :)

PS.. Loved the birth plan.. boy do I wish I could have seen the doctors' faces!! hehe!!

Jennifer said...

Wow! Good for you! Things must be a lot different in the states. Up here in Cananda the baby never leaves your side. I can't stand being at the hospital but the amazing mid wives I've had always make it easy. With my 5th the even let me go home 2 hours after she was born!
Good luck!

Just the Eight of Us!! said...

WOW!! Talk about a plan! I would LOVE to see their faces!!

Good luck!!!

BoufMom9 said...

LOL OH Ang! that was FANTASTIC!
LOVE it! I sincerely wish i could be a fly on the wall! OMG!
I hated the whole csection situation and would NEVER want to do it again! UGH! I too was so disconnected during the delivery:(

I hope, no pray, you get everything you want.
Miss you!

Sharlene said...

OMG- You had me laughing my ass of over here. Seriously. I was dying. Once again you have proved why I love you so very much.

Tabbatha Rose said...

Ang Jess just asked for a copy of this LOL
I love the humour you have put into it!!!

TONYA said...

ha ha ha. I would love to have been a fly on their wall to watch their faces as they were reading.

Awesome birth plan and I hope they come to the party with whatever you request.

Jessica Ames said...

Angela, You do not know how MUCH I agree with you about EVERYTHING you wrote. I get so darn mad at the bad care I've received regarding deliveries, but my friends think such care is great. My 2nd daughter was not brought to me all night after being born at 10pm because of that same damn ":she just had a bath" reason. They did not let me breastfeed her until morning...for the first time! And I do think I didn't need either of my darn C-sections. I'd love to become a midwife, too. Good for you! How right you are that the US does not a hold on the top spot for how to deliver babies into this world, not even close.

will play for food said...

I agree with you 100%. LOVED what you wrote. I feel very blessed to live in a state where midwives and natural birthing practices are very accepted. We still have a long way to go. Keep fighting the good fight. You are awesome.

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